請到我新的網站讀我中文版的下集, “成為一個女人：盼望”

If things continue in Egypt, it would mean:
1. increased hatred toward Israel, common enemy of the nations in the Middle East
2. increased hatred towards America, blaming America for problems they’re facing
3. persecution towards religious and ethnic minorities, which oftentimes in the Middle East, this means the Christians. What\'s Happening in Egypt?!

So where did I leave off four months ago?…..Oh yeah…..before I delve back into my story, I’ve been pondering recently on our propensity for formulas. We want to know exactly what prayer to pray, what steps to take, words to say in each specific situation.  I’ve fallen prey to that desire many times.  Therefore, I want to say “aloud” to you readers out there, I’m not posting my story with intentions of making a statement declaring that my story is THE WAY, that what I prayed, what I did is what you should be doing in order to find the one God has for you. Rather I hope to put my own depravity on display and to bring glory to the wisdom of God, which is much higher than man’s. The Lord gave us the Holy Spirit to teach us all things. He gave us His Spirit to cry “Abba, Father.” Jesus did not leave us alone to figure life out when He ascended to the right hand of God.  We can do NOTHING apart from Him.  Our continual grasp towards formulas and “shake and bake” ways for life is understandable; it is difficult to choose to lean into the Lord and admit we don’t have anything to offer besides our love for Him. We need God more than we can ever know.  So if you find yourself worrying about how to look for “the one” or whether or not you’ve screwed things up for yourself, take some time to quiet down and listen to the Lord who dwells in you. He loves to lead us and speak to us. (Don’t worry I forget that a lot too so this is also a personal reminder to myself!)

So, now that we’ve got that covered……back to the story………

Mind you, after I created my list, I did not diligently pray through my list everyday.  I mainly focused on praying 90 second prayers for two things:

1. For God to give the man He has for me courage and strength to approach me
2. That He would bless that man in his walk with the Lord

This April, around the two-year mark, God began to gently nudge me about the topic of marriage. He invited me into a dialogue concerning marriage, which surprisingly, I was not too excited about. You can read up on the details of those conversations here: part 1, part II.  Through these vulnerable dialogues, the Lord exposed wrong beliefs I held towards marriage, which entered my heart through bad experiences in the past and the brokenness I observed in the majority of the marriages surrounding me. God kindly showed me that the root of my own allergic reaction towards marriage was how it would produce holiness in me and the fear of abandonment, ultimately rejection.

There’s a tendency in our generation to psychoanalyze and dissect our issues. No matter how many books we have read on the topic of inner healing or knowing the human heart, ultimately God is the only One who knows us better than ourselves.  In our hunger to see real breakthrough and healing take place in our lives, it is easy for us to leave the presence of God, forget that it is in abiding in Christ that fruits are produced and the dead branches pruned. Shelley Hundley shared a word at the IHOPU orientation, which I felt articulated this with great precision. She said that perfectionism is like taking a pair of pruning shears and hacking away at our own garden. In doing so, we actually destroy the flowers that is trying to bloom and leave the weeds untouched.  We think we know what the problematic areas are in our spirits and hearts are so we try with our own strength to uproot them one by one. But God is the ONLY ONE, yes, the ONLY ONE who knows the desires of our hearts and the roots of our pain. He is faithfully leading us onto the path of life even when we feel lost, broken and hopeless.

God faithfully prepares each one of us for each unique season in our lives. I know a lot of singles, myself included, who struggle with the thought, “what’s wrong with me” prior to meeting the person God has for us.  We think perhaps we need to try harder, get more inner healing, pray the right prayers. What we don’t know is that the Lord IS right now in the process of working all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  Let us remind ourselves, that no one can separate us from His love and His plans for us. Not our mistakes and the things we have yet to learn how to maneuver through. Our hope is in Christ, not our own perfection or righteousness.

I know this may seem like a sidetrack from my love story, but in actuality, the greatest blessing that has come forth from this relationship God orchestrated, is knowing Jesus.  This entire process has continually revealed to me the awesome love of God that never ceases to astound and confound my mind.  This is why when we give our lives to the Lord rather than try on our own to live godly lives, we miss out on the greatest reward of all, knowing the love and provision of Christ’s sacrifice.

“Christ in me, the hope of glory” Colossians 1:27

為了避免嘗試在一天之內爬上聖母峰，還有試著紀錄關於　神怎麼帶領我和Dustin在一起的故事，我想我會把這一整個過程分成可行的幾個小部分，免得我花上一個月來組織整件事情。在我知道自己裡面躲著一位完美主義者之後，我相信這會是最好的計畫。所以就這樣了，　神啊幫助我！我現在正坐在我的電腦前面，雖然頭痛欲裂，但有個極大的決心，今天晚上一定要打一些東西出來！
對我而言(我也會試著讓Dustin來分享他在這故事的立場)，這一切在兩年前開始。那時候，我正好結束和另一位男士的關係。那是個頗為混亂的分手。無止盡地，數不清的眼淚和沒有答案的問題每天都來窺視我。 神帶領我進入一個被隱藏的季節，而我也欣然答應。我不想接近任何人，尤其是男人。但在絕望中，我開始向 神禱告，尋求某個盼望，就是已經有那麼一位適合我的人選是祂所為我預備的。我渴望能夠抓住一個字也好來忍受那些痛苦……某個我不會像個苦命的老紡織女，被數以千計的鉤針被子纏繞(不是說和鉤針被子有甚麼關係，它們還滿漂亮的，不過你大概懂這意思吧)。十一月的一個晚上，透過一個夢，祂回應了我的禱告。當我從夢中醒來，我唯一能夠想起的是 神在我夢中向我顯現一位男人。我看不見他的臉，也無法記起任何能夠幫助我辨識他身分的特徵，如果我曾經碰過他。唯一一個 神提醒我的是他的恩慈。這個 神為我預備的男人的特徵，在後來黑暗的日子中給我希望。
在那季節中，我問了 神另一個問題，「在我遇到祢要給我的男人之前我要等多久？」一瞬間， 神回答我「兩年。」在那當下，兩年好像永恆再加上一些時間。不過挺驚訝地，兩年過得還挺快的。
在 神告訴我那些事情的幾個月後，祂問我期待未來的丈夫有哪些特質。我和祂在這話題上稍微溝通了一小陣子，從我兩個前男友身上挑選我喜歡的部分。當我為自己的想法做結論時， 神給了我一個建議：「那麼恩慈呢 (kindnesss)？」
在那天之前，我從未想過這特質。在我對未來另一半「一定要」的清單中，恩慈就是沒有晉級。至多我寫下的必要條件包含敬畏 神，對 神火熱付出，但我幾乎沒有想過這些特質會如何轉化成每一天的相處。回頭看，我發現自己過去太過迷戀屬 神的外在表現，而沒有和 神一樣重視內在特質。真正的屬靈不是那麼容易就能查覺出來的。像個寓言，是那些會花時間找出一個事實的人，有能力發現蘊藏在一個人裡面的真實和美麗。耶穌是完全地無罪，帶著見證到祂父親那裡，但世界大都拒絕祂。簡而言之，我相信我們當中許多人，包括我自己在內，沒有看見 神所看見祂孩子的內在。我們常常迷戀人的外表、服裝、天分。但這是為另外一天預備的主題。
快轉到這個春天。兩年的期限快到了…而我當然，真實的人性使然，越來越焦慮緊張。我盡我所能地相信 神，我的眼睛開始到處瀏覽，搜尋那位「男士」。對於「他」怎麼還沒出現，我一天一天越來越焦躁易怒。
我的朋友在那同一時期正在探索一段認真的關係，當 神很清楚地告訴她 神對他們的渴望之後。在她和我分享的隔天晚上，我很驚訝我的屬靈長輩、屬靈父親Jess，是如何引導她去問 神，祂所要給她的「理想男人」清單。所以第二天，我開始問 神祂要給我的清單，而且是建立在讓我的心重新活過來的 神的屬性上面。以下是那天我所領受的：
1. 和 神一樣愛列國(詩 2:8)
2. 常常喜樂，被喜樂的油膏抹(來 1:8-9)
3. 用 神的話更新我。愛我如同基督愛教會。(弗 5)
4. 恆久忍耐又有恩慈(林前 13)
5. 知到父神，父所做的事子也照樣做。(約 5:19)
6. 靠 神口裡所出的一切話生活(申 8:3)
7. 有創意／欣賞藝術
這就是我總結的地方，還有下次的前情提要…是時候該睡覺了。在我熟睡前來讀一點Elizabeth Elliott(郵遞真愛的作者)。耶！

For me, (I’ll try to get Dustin to share his side of the story too) it started two years ago. At that time, my relationship with another guy had just ended. It was a pretty messy breakup. No closure, lots of tears and unanswered questions prying upon me daily. The Lord took me into a season of hiddeness, which I gladly said yes to. I didn’t want to be close to anyone, especially to men. But I began to pray and seek the Lord with desperation for some hope that there is someone He has in mind for me. I desired a word that I can hold onto to endure the pain…..some indication that I would not die a bitter old spinster with thousands of crocheted quilts surrounding me (not that there’s anything the matter with crocheted quilts, they’re quite beautiful but you get the jist).

One night in November, He answered this prayer through a dream. When I woke up from the dream, all that I could recollect from it was that the Lord showed me a man. I could not see his face, nor remember anything about his features that can help me identify who he is if I saw him. One thing the Lord did highlight to me in the dream was his kindness. This characteristic in the man God is preparing for me, gave me hope in the dark days that followed.

During that season, I asked the Lord another question, “how long will it be until I meet the man You have for me?” In a split second, God answered, “in two years.” At that time, two years seemed like an eternity plus some. Surprisingly, two years passed by pretty quickly.

A few months later after God has spoken those things to me, He asked me what I desire in my future husband. I dialogued with Him for a bit on the subject, picking aspects from my two previous ex-boyfriends that I enjoyed. As I concluded my thoughts, God suggested to me, “what about kindness.”

Before that day, I honestly have never thought to ask for that character trait. On my “must” list for my future husband, kindness simply did not make the cut. Most of what I wrote down as requirements consisted of godliness, passionate devotion to Christ but rarely did I think about how those characteristics would translate into a day-to-day relationship. Looking back, I see how I was too fixated on outward manifestations of holiness and did not value character the same way God does.

True holiness is not that easy to detect. Like a parable, it is those who will take the time to search out a matter that will be able unveil the truth and beauty hidden inside an individual. Jesus was perfectly sinless, bore witness to His Father, but much of the world rejected Him. Similarly, I believe many of us, myself included do not see what God sees in His children. We are so fixated on people’s outward appearances, clothing and talents. But this is a subject reserved for another day.

Fast forward to this Spring. The two year mark was quickly approaching….and I of course, true to my human nature was growing increasingly anxious. Trying my hardest to trust in the Lord, my eyes began to scan and look for “the man.” I grew increasingly irritated each day “he” did not show up.

My friend at the time had recently delve into a serious relationship after the Lord clearly confirmed to her that His desire for them. After she shared her story with me one night, I was struck by how Jess, my spiritual father/leader instructed her to ask the Lord for His “the man list” for her. So the next day, I began to ask the Lord for His “list” for me based on characteristics I see in Jesus that causes my heart to come alive. Below was what I came up with that day:

1. love the nations as Jesus does (Psalm 2:8)
2. joyful, anointed with the oil of gladness (Heb 1:8-9)
3. washes me with the Word of God. Loves me as Christ loves the Church (Eph 5)
4. patient and kind (1 Cor 13)
5. knows the Father, does what the Father is doing (John 5:19)
6. Live by every word from the mouth of God (Deut. 8:3)
7. Creative/an appreciation for the arts

This is where I will conclude and pick up next time…time to get ready for bed and read some Elizabeth Elliott before I fall asleep. Yeah!

哇嗚！我已經好一陣子沒有寫網誌了。最近的這段時間在我生命中有很多的成長和發展，有複雜的事情，不過是好事。這些新的成長將我擠入一些我這一生從未踏入的領域。當我在看我打的東西的時候，發現它們真的都蠻”epic” (宏大的
)，難怪我離開wordpress戰場那麼久。我最近也才剛和IHOP-KC的onething團隊從台灣的兩場特會回來。所以在這段期間，這些「新發展」(覺不覺得用引號可以塑造一種懸疑和神秘的感覺)，因為在台灣的兩個半星期的疲憊，時差還有對豚草過敏，我就這麼順理成章地為我的拖延找到藉口了。。。也許吧？

其中一個新的成長(也是我最喜歡的)是我現在有了一個正式的男朋友。是的是的，豬都在飛了，很不可思議，而且我媽在驚訝之餘還說要幫我辦個派對，就叫「終於！」(finally!)。 神帶領我走到生命中的這一刻的預備過程，是極度難受和充滿淚水的兩年。在Dustin(我的男朋友)出現在我生命中之前，我常常想在部落格發表一些文章，關於仇敵喜歡欺騙女性的謊言，尤其是敬畏 神、活躍並且有智慧的女性，因為我感覺 神在我裡面亮起了霓虹燈，讓我注意我等待已久的那句話，「是時候了！」不過，當然我拖延了。所以請不要對我丟番茄…以下是我最後的一擊，試著幫助所有美麗的、敬畏 神，卻也為了另一半何時走入你生命而煩惱的女性。

我即將要展開一系列的文章，叫做「成為女人」，包含了Dustin走進我生命之前 神帶領我的過程，還有到目前為止我們的關係發展。我也會摘錄一些我現在參加的小組所學到的東西，那小組名叫WOTT，代表 Women of Titus Two。這小組名是來自提多書二章3-5節，

「又勸老年婦人，舉止行動要恭敬，不說讒言，不給酒作奴，用善道教訓人，好指教少年婦人愛丈夫，愛兒女，謹守、貞潔，料理家務，待人有恩，順服自己的丈夫，免得 神的道理被毀謗。」

OK，所以在妳滿不在乎地用堅定不移的怒視表達你對這段經文的不屑之前，讓我邀請你來思考一些想法：你是否曾經去想過聖經當中對女性實際的定義？你是否曾經渴望這段經文所提及到的？做一個愛丈夫、愛孩子、謹守且貞潔等等的女人？如果妳到現在還是無法挪去臉上的厭惡表情，請和我一起忍耐一下下並且繼續看下去。我曾經和那些女生一樣，覺得這些對女性的定義太過狹隘、太壓抑也太過時了。不過即使是在那時期當中，每當我看到一個女人因著服事她的孩子和家庭而滿足時，我仍然會自己在內心拉扯。上帝已讓我在心中慢慢做準備(當然還有很多真理的方向需要祂溫柔地引導我)，來迎接祂對女人的定義，並且轉離世界定義我的聲音。

我會開始這一系列文章的目的和渴望，主要是因為我正是那種覺得自己想要在這方面學習，卻不知道怎麼或去哪裡請求幫助的女生。我祈求也希望我所提到的啟示、經驗和資料能夠祝福妳的心，並且帶領妳踏上一段發現喜樂，和擁抱我們在天上的父所造我們原本的樣式，一位祂十分珍惜的美麗女人。

在開始之前，以下列的書名是Becky Falkner，我們美麗的、有經驗的和有智慧的小組長推薦我們看的書。我們小組的每一個女人都看了一本來和別人分享她們從書中得到的領受。
1. 郵遞真愛 Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot( 是我目前最愛的一本書。她真是一位屬 神又善於表達的女人，從聖經的角度分享對於關係的美妙見解，並且透露 神對她的啟示。我超愛的！我十分推崇她寫的這本書，有很多可供選擇。)
2. Created to be his help meet by Debi Pearl
3. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem
4. The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason
5. How to Stop the Pain by Dr. James Richards
6. The Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman by Anne Ortlund ( 這本書我們是小組一起讀的。有很多實際的例子，幫助妳活出聖經觀點中的女人。)

p.s. 除了第一本其他書都還沒有中文譯本

One of the new developments (my personal fav) is that I now have a serious boyfriend. Yes yes, pigs are flying and my mom is throwing a party in the midst of her exclamations of, “finally!” The process of arriving at this point of life, the preparation process the Lord has led me through have been two intense, trying and tear-filled years. Before Dustin (my man-friend) appeared in my life, I meant to blog on some deceptive thoughts the enemy likes to throw at women, especially god fearing, feisty (for the right reasons), intelligent women because I felt the Lord turn on the neon sign in my spirit alerting me to those long awaited words, “it’s time!” But of course I procrastinated. So don’t throw your tomatoes at me…..here’s my last ditch effort at trying to make it up to all you beautiful godly women out there who are fretting about when Mr. Right will finally walk into your life.

I’m going to begin a series of blogs called “becoming a woman” which will include the process God led me through before Dustin came into my life and also what has happened so far in our relationship. I will also include excerpts of what I’m learning through a small group I am now a part of called WOTT which stands for: Women of Titus Two. The verse WOTT is talking about is Titus 2:3-5 which reads:

“the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”

Ok, so before you form an unremovable scowl on your face unabashedly displaying your distain at the definition of a women addressed by this verse, let me invite you to ponder upon a few thoughts: Have you ever wondered what the actual Biblical definition of a woman is? Have you ever desired the things this verse touched upon? To be a woman who loves her husband, children, be discreet, chase etc.? If you still are unable to remove the look of utter repulse from your face, bear with me for a bit and read on. I used to be one of those girls who thought these definitions of a woman was too limiting, oppressive and outdated. But even in the midst of that, my heart was tugged each time I saw a woman be content serving her children and family. God has done a lot in my heart (there’s still much more He has togently guide in the direction of truth) to slowly warm up to His definition of a woman and turn away from who the world says I should be.

The main purpose and desire behind starting this blog series for me is that I was one of those girls who felt that I wanted to learn more about this but didn’t know how or where to turn. I pray and hope that the revelations, experiences and reading material I will mention will bless your heart and take you onto a journey discovering the joys of embracing who our Heavenly Father created us to be, a beautiful woman whom He treasures dearly.

To start off, here’s a list of recommended books Becky Falkner, our beautiful, seasoned and wise small group leader suggested we read. Each woman in our group is taking on one of the books in order to share with others what they’ve gleamed from it:
1. Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot (my personal favorite so far. She’s such a godly, intelligent and articulate woman with great insights on relationships through the Bible and what the Lord has revealed to her personally. I admire her so much! I highly recommend any book she has written. There are many to choose from)
2. Created to be his help meet by Debi Pearl
3. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem
4. The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason
5. How to Stop the Pain by Dr. James Richards
6. The Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman by Anne Ortlund (we’re reading this together as a small group. It’s full of practical ways to help you live your life well as a woman through the Biblical standpoint)

Family Music, Jason Upton and the Goodland Band

Song for Dancing

Bryan Willard

I have this dress, I have this shoe
I think they’re beautiful, don’t you
You know it’s my favorite thing to do
To hold your hands and just pretend that we’re the only ones around

Daddy will you dance with me
Daddy will you hold my hand
Daddy will you please, please carry me
Before I know another man

I have this suit I have this tie
Please forgive me if I cry
You know it’s my favorite thing to do
To hold your hands and just pretend that we’re the only ones around

Daughter will you dance with me
Daughter will you hold my hand
Daughter will you please, please dance with me
Before you know another man

Won’t you dance with me
Won’t you hold my hand
Won’t you please, please dance with me
Before you know another man
(Dance with me)

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Suddenly, the truth of that verse was injected into my blood streams. The truth of God’s desire to release blessing rather than curses in my life became visible whereas before it was only a verse. A verse where after it was read aloud, dissipated into the air. It was elusive to me. God concreted that verse in my heart that day. He wrote it on the wet cement and watched it as it dried and settled into permanent life.

God made clear to me that day, the blessings of life: marriage, children, joy and peace are for me. Prior to that day, unconscious to me, I believed the lie that the devil told me, that these good things are only for others and not for myself to participate in. I can only watch as others enjoy and relish in the joys of life.

After that day, it was as if the Lord downloaded His language into my heart. I began to be able to interpret and comprehend His love with greater sensitive and clarity. I began to attune to when the Lord was saying, “I love you” to me, walking deeper into knowing His love language specific to me. Not surprisingly, God actually says that to me a lot more than I believed. As my friend Ed said once, God doesn’t speak Chinese or English, He speaks our hearts’ language.

Pretty soon, the Lord gave me an opportunity to test this word in order to further deepen this revelation of His heart’s intents toward me. My mom gave me money to purchase a dress to wear to my cousin’s wedding in California. I interpreted this act of love from my mother as her saying to me that I was not good enough to attend the wedding as I am, that she believes I needed an expensive dress to increase my value and worth before the eyes of man. So when I went shopping for the dress, I was annoyed. I tried to find a cheap dress, hoping to save some of the money she gave me for other necessities. But when I looked through all the stores and wasn’t able to find a dress that fit the occasion and my taste, I finally went into one of my favorite stores. There, I still chose to first look at cheaper dresses. Right before I went into the dressing room, I picked up the dress I was looking at the previous week. The last weekend when I went into the store and admired the dress with my friend, I did not even consider trying it on. To me it seemed too unattainable of a thing to even desire. Therefore, I dismissed and was about to dismiss once again the desire of my heart for something so beautiful but then I picked up the dress to try on, with no intentions of purchasing it. I thought, “I’m trying on a bunch of other dresses, why not just put it on for fun.”

I first tried on a cheaper dress, it was pretty and I liked it. It was fine enough and the color was very quaint and sweet, not particularly my style but it was nice enough for me to consider it. But, when I put on the dress I was trying to not want, it was perfect! I immediately knew this was “the” dress. The color of the dress matched my skin tone so well. The cut, the fabric’s texture and feel was as it if it was made for me! I don’t know if you have ever had one of those moments where you knew something was made for you? A photograph, a car, a painting perhaps that was the same as something you imagined or dreamed about?

Furthermore, the dress’ design and color confirmed a verse the Lord had highlighted to me a month before:

“Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil” Song of Solomon 4:3

When the Lord spoke this verse to me a month ago, it deeply moved my heart. At the time I was struggling with my emotions and feelings, desiring to rid myself of my emotions that at times are so turbulent and troubling. But the Lord expressed how my emotions are pleasing and sweet to Him, comparing my heart’s movements to the sweetness of a pomegranate. Not only that, He addressed with this verse, how my emotions are holy. Emphasizing that I blush at impure and shameful things because my heart desires to be holy and set apart for Him. He reminded me of His pleasure towards how I’ve postured my heart during this season He has led me through with this dress. The main color of the dress is cerise, a bright pink color mixed with tones of peach. Over this brilliant color is a delicate layer of purplish-grey lace. The dress is a visual expression of the verse.

It was then I finally understood what God was saying. He knew the secret longings of my heart for the dress and He gave me money through my mom to purchase it! I was tearing up in the car on my way back from the store. Moved by how gentle and sensitive Abba is to my little heart, but also repenting for my ungrateful attitude I received the gift with. God pays attention to our hearts. He delights to give us the longings of our hearts when we first delight in Him.

Perhaps it seems silly that God would bother Himself with such a trite thing like a dress for me. It may even seem unbiblical. But didn’t God choose Esther for her beautification process and gave her a beautiful dress to display herself before the King? Did God not provide cloud by day and fire by night during the Jew’s exodus out of Egypt to not only give them visible tangible hope but also to shelter them from the severe desert weather? Is not our God alive today and is trying to convince His sons and daughters today just how much He cares and loves us with little details in our everyday lives we often dismiss as coincidences?

God is faithful to remove the scales and veil from our eyes when we are willing to let Him into our hearts. God, open our eyes to Your love.