Sorry about the four month hiatus. Responsibilities and various challenges increased within the recent months and the Lord was also working deep things in my heart.  So between all of that I haven’t really had a chance to pause and take the time necessary to extensively consider everything with the Lord.  I’m still processing, praying and wondering about this seemingly huge tangled knot of a season. Please pray for God to pour out His Spirit of wisdom and revelation upon me.

So where did I leave off four months ago?…..Oh yeah…..before I delve back into my story, I’ve been pondering recently on our propensity for formulas. We want to know exactly what prayer to pray, what steps to take, words to say in each specific situation.  I’ve fallen prey to that desire many times.  Therefore, I want to say “aloud” to you readers out there, I’m not posting my story with intentions of making a statement declaring that my story is THE WAY, that what I prayed, what I did is what you should be doing in order to find the one God has for you. Rather I hope to put my own depravity on display and to bring glory to the wisdom of God, which is much higher than man’s. The Lord gave us the Holy Spirit to teach us all things. He gave us His Spirit to cry “Abba, Father.” Jesus did not leave us alone to figure life out when He ascended to the right hand of God.  We can do NOTHING apart from Him.  Our continual grasp towards formulas and “shake and bake” ways for life is understandable; it is difficult to choose to lean into the Lord and admit we don’t have anything to offer besides our love for Him. We need God more than we can ever know.  So if you find yourself worrying about how to look for “the one” or whether or not you’ve screwed things up for yourself, take some time to quiet down and listen to the Lord who dwells in you. He loves to lead us and speak to us. (Don’t worry I forget that a lot too so this is also a personal reminder to myself!)

So, now that we’ve got that covered……back to the story………

Mind you, after I created my list, I did not diligently pray through my list everyday.  I mainly focused on praying 90 second prayers for two things:

  1. For God to give the man He has for me courage and strength to approach me
  2. That He would bless that man in his walk with the Lord

This April, around the two-year mark, God began to gently nudge me about the topic of marriage. He invited me into a dialogue concerning marriage, which surprisingly, I was not too excited about. You can read up on the details of those conversations here: part 1, part II.  Through these vulnerable dialogues, the Lord exposed wrong beliefs I held towards marriage, which entered my heart through bad experiences in the past and the brokenness I observed in the majority of the marriages surrounding me. God kindly showed me that the root of my own allergic reaction towards marriage was how it would produce holiness in me and the fear of abandonment, ultimately rejection.

There’s a tendency in our generation to psychoanalyze and dissect our issues. No matter how many books we have read on the topic of inner healing or knowing the human heart, ultimately God is the only One who knows us better than ourselves.  In our hunger to see real breakthrough and healing take place in our lives, it is easy for us to leave the presence of God, forget that it is in abiding in Christ that fruits are produced and the dead branches pruned. Shelley Hundley shared a word at the IHOPU orientation, which I felt articulated this with great precision. She said that perfectionism is like taking a pair of pruning shears and hacking away at our own garden. In doing so, we actually destroy the flowers that is trying to bloom and leave the weeds untouched.  We think we know what the problematic areas are in our spirits and hearts are so we try with our own strength to uproot them one by one. But God is the ONLY ONE, yes, the ONLY ONE who knows the desires of our hearts and the roots of our pain. He is faithfully leading us onto the path of life even when we feel lost, broken and hopeless.

God faithfully prepares each one of us for each unique season in our lives. I know a lot of singles, myself included, who struggle with the thought, “what’s wrong with me” prior to meeting the person God has for us.  We think perhaps we need to try harder, get more inner healing, pray the right prayers. What we don’t know is that the Lord IS right now in the process of working all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  Let us remind ourselves, that no one can separate us from His love and His plans for us. Not our mistakes and the things we have yet to learn how to maneuver through. Our hope is in Christ, not our own perfection or righteousness.

I know this may seem like a sidetrack from my love story, but in actuality, the greatest blessing that has come forth from this relationship God orchestrated, is knowing Jesus.  This entire process has continually revealed to me the awesome love of God that never ceases to astound and confound my mind.  This is why when we give our lives to the Lord rather than try on our own to live godly lives, we miss out on the greatest reward of all, knowing the love and provision of Christ’s sacrifice.

“Christ in me, the hope of glory” Colossians 1:27

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