So God’s been bringing up the topic of marriage in our conversations recently. Much to my surprise, I didn’t want to talk about it. Apparently I would rather avoid the topic…hm…interesting. You would think (I assumed this to be true) that since I’m in my late twenties and live in youth land where 19 seems to be the predominate marriage age, I’d be overjoyed that God wants to talk to me about this epic topic. Because of this sudden topic appearing in my prayer time with Jesus, I’ve been wrestling through some serious heart issues but also walking into truth and freedom.

Wednesday morning, at our weekly Chinese Ministry prayer meeting, the Lord began to help me be honest with Him. As we shared at the prayer meeting what it means to be sons and daughters of the Lord, God suddenly shed light on a verse, “perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). I realized that the fear and worry inside my heart triggered by various situations indicated an orphaned spirit existing in me. I’m starting to see how I feel I must do things right and correctly in order for people to like me. All these emotions and beliefs I have toward myself are not things God wants for me. He longs for me to be confident in His never changing affections towards me.

So as I was brooding over all these thoughts and revelations yesterday morning, I suddenly found myself being honest with the Lord. Here’s how the conversation went (inside my heart, no I didn’t hear an audible voice of the Lord breaking in….although there was a power outage in the prayer room, but it wasn’t a result of our conversation):

Me: honestly, I don’t want to get married and I really don’t want to talk about it
God: (very gently) why?
Me: cause it’s painful, getting that close with someone. I was so close to Grace (my sister who passed away seven months ago) and then I just lost her. I don’t want that to happen again even though I know that love is sacrificing oneself behalf of others like You did Jesus, Your sacrifice made a way for man to be able to choose salvation. (I can feel myself trying to make myself do what I think is “right,” trying to be obedient as to what I think would make God happy)

Then I saw the Lord take my hand and holding it, letting me know He knows how difficult these past few months has been for me. He’s seen my struggles and honors my reach for Him in the midst of it all. His hand holding mine, revealed to me that He will patiently wait for me to say yes with my whole heart and not against my will. It is then, that I’m obeying Him as a daughter and not as a slave.

God spoke again and revealed to my heart, helping me comprehend that He permitted this season of refining through trials because He hates the distance between us. He is burning up all that’s hindering our relationship from being even more intimate. He longs to be with me. He longs to close this chasm that distorts His heart’s intentions toward me. Yet in all His passionate love towards me, He still waits for my heart to be ready to take the next step with Him to wherever He wants to lead me. Thanks Jesus, You alone are worthy of the praises of the earth, not because of what You do for me, but because You truly are the only One worthy of all glory.

Advertisement